Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Grandpa Pang...

Today I received a sms frm my cousin (I think) asking me what is my granddad's name in chinese. Thinking that it was nothing I joked and said: "Who is this? Own grandpa's name also don't know arh???" Got no reply after that so I thought it was no serious matter.

Then I received a call from my mother telling me that my grandpa passed away this morning. The maid tried to wake him in the morning but he didn't woke up.

I broke into tears coz granddad always was a better grandparent to me (from my father's side). I felt bad for making a joke like that to my cousin. It was really disrespectful.

Grandpa Pang had always sayang me. He liked talking to me. I know coz he seldom smiles at other grandchildren when talking to them. But he smiles when he talks to me. Eventhough we had language barrier, coz I don't speak Teochew that well and he doesn't speak Chinese, I managed to know about his worries about his life and the fears he secretly face.

I remembered the last time he stayed over at my house. It was the last time he came over. He sat on the dining table and told me that a doctor told him that he will only live till 85. He said he had no regrets coz he had seen his children getting married, his children having children, his grandchildren getting married and his grandchildren having children. But he was sad that he could never see me getting married. I told him God will decide when he will leave this world and it was not to be determined by the doctor. I also told him that even so I will bring a "darling" for him to see before he leaves the world. He smiled at me as usual.

Last year when we went to see him, he told us he was going to die soon. He cried and it was the first time I saw him cry. Everybody thought that he was talking nonsense but I kept it in my heart coz I heard people saying old people know about when their death would be arriving.

This year, during Chinese New Year, he asked dad why he came to JB, was it a holiday. It was clear that nobody told him it was CNY and nobody told him "HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR". And it was clear that my 1st uncle and his families are assholes!!!

This is the last photo of him that I had. It was taken during CNY. And it was the only photo of him that I had with a smile. T____T

Only dad took photo with Grandpa. Usually at every event I would take photo with him and grandma eversince I had a camera phone. But I didn't know why I didn't take it with him during CNY. Missing it=last chance to ever doing it again... T____T

This is the first time ever I had ever lost a family member. Eventhough we didn't live together, I felt the lost. This feeling was not good. Flashes of grandpa kept appearing. The moments went he talked to me at the dining table appeared. The times I had disrespectful thoughts about him appeared. His smiles appeared. T____T
I only worried about grandma now. She has short term memory lost. Will she remember that grandpa had deceased? Its okay if she don't remembers the pain of losing him but if she has to repeat the pain again and again everytime she can't find grandpa, it'll be very painful. And I do hope my uncle and his family will treat her better coz without grandpa, she's all alone.
Tomorrow I'll be going back to JB. Seeing grandpa for the very last time before he leaves us forever.
Its not easy but I know he's at a better place looking down at all of us. I know that from whereever he is, he will bless me and smiles at me.
I love you, grandpa
Rest in peace...

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